It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
