hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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