I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
