omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
