there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
