Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
