I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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