one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
