sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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