party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dicks are not precious.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
