New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
