Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
