i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize