it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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