She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
