He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
