i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
