Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You've changed since you got that strap on
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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