I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
