Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
