The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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