I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
