Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize