2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
