ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
