why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
