Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
