Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
