I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
