If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
