so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
BRING THE BAGELS
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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