that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
