I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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