Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
