cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
