I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
