I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Randomize
