Define "chronic" masturbator.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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