your parents love me but you hate me
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
