I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
