Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
