kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
