New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
