I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
