And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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