Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
