So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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