Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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