I hate your face
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
