I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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