toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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