fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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