Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
