i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
