i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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