Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
This house was built for laser tag.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize