Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
