I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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